A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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