so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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