on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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