youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
