youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
