Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
