If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
