at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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