The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
