Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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