Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
