I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
