last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
