Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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