i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
