I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
