Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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