Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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