I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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