What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
