Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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