Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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