just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
