Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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