I like to think it a success when the cops are called
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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