Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Barsexuality is the new black.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
