Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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