its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
