I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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