you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
