pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
