Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
