I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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