Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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