My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Drunk is not a location!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
