This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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