Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she told me i tasted like america
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
