The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
