Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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