You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This house was built for laser tag.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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