The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
