When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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