we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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