im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize