I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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