I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize