Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize