My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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