i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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