so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
