Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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