yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Every concussion has its silver lining
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
