having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
