It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
