ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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