apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
